The Washington Post annually holds a contest for readers to supply alternative meaning s for common words. Here are some recent ones:

Coffee: the person on whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted: feeling when first alighting upon scales on January 3rd.
Abdicate: to give up all hope ever of having a flat stomach.
Negligent: answering the door when wearing only one’s nightie.
Balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline.
Oyster: a person who sprinkles conversation with Yiddishisms.